To my Son

                                                                    

                                                                            

                                                                         

 Sonny                         

You touched me with your hand. Your skinny and delicate hand. You touched my hand, aged and scarred. I was in the middle of a crisis. And you touched me. Darkness was the witness to it. How much it meant to my heart that you did. You told me that: Everything will be fine Dad. I'm still with you.

Everything revolved around me. All the scenarios in which I would not have you by my side went through my mind. The tears rolled down, and the earth swallowed me. What do I do with this feeling of loss? You are fine and you are by my side. But I feel that I have lost you, and it hurts me. Because I don't know how to deal with the loss of my soul, which is losing you, and your brother.

My mother, your Grandmother, always told me, "Love hurts, I love you and it hurts." I always thought that she was exaggerating, I thought that she was manipulating me. To make me behave well, to do the right thing, but no, now I understand that love hurts. And it hurts, a lot.

I loved you since before you came into this world. Since I found out you were coming, my life turned to looking for everything necessary to make your life easier. I fought against everything and I did it out of the duty that loves instilled in me. I felt a primal, animal feeling in making sure you have everything that God could offer you through us. For you to survive in this world so perverse that you have to live.

I could have left, but the memory of your little face looking at me with your innocence, and the love so pure and deep that it instilled in me did not let me do it. I chose to give my life to you and your brother. But you are my firstborn. The deepest love that anyone can ever feel. You were, together with your brother, and you will be forever my greatest blessing.

Although now I know it hurts. Every step hurts. Every blow hurts. Every win or loss hurts. Every situation you face because of your innocence or your bad behavior hurts. Scolding hurts. Punishing you hurts. But in love, I know that one day you will understand that I did it precisely for that reason. Because my love for you made me try to protect you from everyone and from yourself. In this world that doesn't care who you are. Where you come from, how you feel or what is happening in your life.

The only thing left for me in this sadness is to commend you and commend myself to God. Seek in faith the security that I lack. I am not a Superman. I want to give you everything. And my forces are very limited. I want you to be happy and protect you from all pain, from suffering, from being hurt or hurt. But I know I can't. Only God can protect you from so many things.

My mission. Do the best that I  can. Let God use me to walk by your side, in the best possible way and try to ignite you to walk in His ways. Which is the best way to walk in this life? For when the blows of life come, remember me,  and the love of our heavenly father. That in Him you can do everything, and that if you can't,  it's because it wasn't his will, and that it wasn't for you. He will always be with you, even when I'm not here.

Remember me, my son. And above all remember God. At all times when you don't know what to do, think about what my dad would do, what God wants from me. And when there is no answer, that is the answer, walk away until God shows you the way.

God bless you and keep you safe from all evil. May his love cover you and may you always walk under the protection of his mercy. Amen

I love you and I will always love you

                                                                        Your dad